GRIEF, LOSS AND BEREAVEMENT
WHAT IS GRIEF and LOSS COUNSELLING?
Grief and loss counselling is an approach which helps you process the emotional, spiritual, physical, social and psychological pain after experiencing a loss. While grief is a natural response to loss, formal counselling helps to process feelings, before they become overwhelming or lead to more long-term complications.
The Goal of Counselling
The goal of our work together includes your becoming aware of your ‘grief triggers’ in whatever form they show up in your life and gently introducing new ways of coping or practical tools to help you manage the waves of your grief, which can be intense. Moving into exploring meaning in your life and learning to adjust to your new way of being in the world. When we experience a loss, we carry it with us indefinitely and thus need to learn new ways of living with what was lost. This can sound overwhelming and unattainable at first, but with support and self-care, healing is always possible.
Grief and Loss touch everyone's life in some form or another - Tarah
Types of Loss
- Loss from death
- Pet loss (loss of best friend/family)
- Loss of a relationship (all forms of relationships)
- Chronic illness
- Caregiver burnout (many losses suffered simultaneously)
- Violent and traumatic loss, also includes loss by suicide
- Job loss (loss of identity)
- Reproductive loss (infertility, miscarriage, abortion, fetal death stillbirth, infant death, sterility, ectopic pregnancy, adoption, hysterectomy, chosen childlessness
Men’s grieving when it comes to aspects of reproductive loss is often overlooked.
Reproductive loss and how men experience it is often affected by societal and cultural norm’s, and they can experience an ‘invisible grief’ which can be difficult to navigate. Men’s ability to acknowledge their grief is another aspect as is being raised in a society which tells them, ‘men don’t cry’. Their pain and disenfranchised grief can be misunderstood by their partner and larger family/community, where the female/partner is receiving the support, leaving the other to feel as though their loss isn’t as important.
Two very good books which I highly recommend are When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently and How You Can Help by Elizabeth Levang as well as Men and Miscarriage: A Dad’s Guide to Grief, Relationships, and Healing after Loss by Aaron Gouveia.
For those men/partners who feel they have been forgotten, "I see you" - Tarah
'I once had a client say to me 'Asking for help means we're not strong enough to handle things on our own' and I gently replied 'Asking for help shows courage, self awareness and a reaching out for connection. By doing this, you're telling yourself YOU matter and YOUR wellness matters. When you show up for yourself, the different areas in your life will again start to flow' - Tarah
Forms of Grief
Anticipatory Grief
The emotional process that begins once one becomes aware of a loss to come. This might include a terminal illness, a medical procedure like a limb amputation, knowing you are going to be laid off from your work or perhaps yourself or your loved one has been given a diagnosis in which cognitive functioning will decline.
Traumatic Grief
Occurs when there is a loss experienced from an unexpected sudden trauma. Examples include death by homicide, infant death, death by suicide or natural disasters. It can be characterized by intrusive images like memories, nightmares and/or avoidance of places or people.
Ambiguous Grief
Researcher Pauline Boss coined this phrase in the 1970’s. This form of grief includes the grief one experiences for another who is still alive. It often involves themes of ‘What if?’ and is accompanied by extreme sadness from a lack of closure or resolution in the relationship. Dr. Boss found it occurs when someone is physically present but psychologically unavailable, for example, someone struggling with addiction or Alzheimer’s disease. It can also include someone who is physically absent but psychologically present, for example, someone who is active in the Military, or a loved one who has gone missing. Living with this type of loss can stall the grieving process due to the lack of closure.
Complicated Grief
This form of grief is one which is characterized as a long-lasting grief, symptoms last continuously for at least one year and the intense emotions do not fade with time. Also called Persistent Grief Disorder, it continues to interfere with one’s day to day activities.
Disenfranchised Grief
Grief which one feels they cannot openly talk about due to fear of judgement from others or from oneself. This can add to one’s feelings of isolation and shame. Working through disenfranchised grief with a trusted counsellor is a healing process which can help the individual speak their truth, feel their pain and to validate and recognize that their loss matters and it happened. Feelings of shame and guilt are common due to the lack of societal acknowledgement of the loss. Examples might include an extramarital affair, death by suicide, overdose or someone who has experienced abortion.
Delayed Grief
A reaction to loss that can include a delayed emotional reaction, often days, weeks, months or even years after the loss. Your brain protects you by numbing emotions when you unable to process or are overwhelmed by what you have learned. Sometimes we enter into ‘task’ mode with funeral arrangements which need to be made, perhaps one feels responsible for others in the family and believes they need to be ‘strong’ for them, other times we might feel that if we allow ourselves to start to cry and feel the emotion, we might not stop. We need to remember there is no one ‘right’ way to grieve and we need to be gentle with ourselves as we walk through such an emotionally difficult time.